Day 5 – my partner doesn’t like waking me

Friday morning was a grouch fest!  I woke up hating life, super tired, and with an annoyed partner who does not apparently relish the task of ensuring I make it to work on time, not that I blame her. 

Also, maintaining this blog is pretty tedious.  Most days I just don’t want to do it, but I’m at work on a Saturday, and I finished all my work yesterday, so I have nothing better to do.  See, I started school a few weeks back, and the shit-tastic company I work for doesn’t do 32hour full time employment   So I have to come in for four hours each weekend.  It’s not so bad really.  It’s peaceful and I can take my shoes off, which I really, really like.  Going to the printer in socks feels much more appropriate.  In fact, working this job in pajamas would be ideal.  Also the phones aren’t on, which is the biggest ‘pro’ I could ask for. 

Anywho, the 50mg seems to work better, though I am still being rebellious about bed time and allowing myself to sit up in a sedated stupor while contemplating whether to lie down or play another round of Xplorers.  Last night, as opposed to the weeknights before, I beer-ed myself to sleep.  It was way better than Trazodone, but this morning reminded me of what’s NOT way better about beer.  My face has taken to breaking out after nights of partying, not zits or pimples… weird rash-like bumps that hurt.  I’m sure is related to my alcoholism. 

Another thing; while I know that I must keep on the path of weekday sobriety, I miss being a wino.  I sort of liked being a high-functioning alcoholic.  And by “sort of” I mean that I actually prefer it.  Alas, it was hurting my body, so Trazodone it is.  Brass Tax:

 

Subject: 29yr old male, 6′2″, 140lbs

Prior night’s sleep: Aprrox. 6 hours; Quality: High

Eating schedule: Coffee throughout the am; A burrito with rice, black beans, chicken, green salsa, sour cream, cheese and lettuce for lunch; a protein shake at 6pm; a dinner of steamed broccoli, avocado, and rice at 7.30pm; some cheese at roughly 9.30pm.

Other Items Ingested: ‘Herbal Supplement’; cigarettes

Exercise: Negligible walking, drumming: 30 minutes

Pill taken: Hmm, I was pretty stoned, so I think it may have been around… 9-ish?  

Bed time preparation: “good-night cigarette”; lights out at 10.30pm; Episode of TV series

Estimated Time of Crossover:  Approx. 11.30pm

 

And unfortunately I slept so well that I could not wrap my mind around the concept of responding to my alarm in any other fashion than hitting snooze or fleeting thoughts of breaking it, which would have been bad, since it’s my phone.

One thing I have learned in all of this is that alcoholism is a fine alternative lifestyle when kept in check .  We’ve all seen the down-and-out alcoholics, that’s a whole different scenario.  I have goals that I know I can achieve, and red wine, while giving me lots of hangovers that sucked, never really impeded on any goals.  In fact, there have been whole papers I wrote nearly blacked out on red wine that got emphatic A’s come grading time, so there.

Yesterday (friday) I did not take a pill, and I don’t plan to tonight either, so there will be no more brass tax this weekend, and it’s a holiday, SO: see you all Tuesday with another update. 

Also, I am considering dropping the frequency of posts to a more weekly summary type of thing.  The daily ones, since I’m not experiencing weird side effects, seem to be getting voyeuristic.

Day 4

Taking a whole pill (50mg) didn’t ruin me, so to speak, but damned if it wasn’t a Herculean feat getting out of bed this morning.  I’d like to think that if I can regulate my sleep schedule better that the mornings will get easier, but I’m in the first weeks of school, the hardest for me as I get a feel for the instructor and work-load, and scheduling sleep doesn’t always work.

Mild headache throughout the day.  I’ve read that the headaches are the first to go after your system acclimates to the chemical changes.  I hope so, because working a terrible job while having a constant pain in your head hardly puts you in the mood for 5 hours of lecture.

One very notable difference in my habits of late is that I am consistently eating much healthier, which is good seeing as I was hardly a typical American in diet to begin with.  My partner and I have been enjoying the local farmer’s market and taking advantage of all the in-season produce.  I have also begun supplementing my protein intake as I don’t eat enough dark greens or meat, and now that I am exercising and eating more, I’d like for any weight gain to be in the muscle-tissue department and not the flabby face department.  Who wants a flabby face where it can be avoided?

Brass Tax:

Subject: 29yr old male, 6′2″, 140lbs

Prior night’s sleep: Aprrox. 6 hours; Quality: high

Eating schedule: Coffee, Bagel w/cream cheese at 9am; Noodles, rice and crab rangoon (3) at noon; small bag of mini-cookies at 2.30pm; Spaghetti with fresh tomatoes, olive oil, garlic, pepper, turkey sausage, fresh basil, oregano and cumin at 6.30pm; croissant at 11pm. Approx. 28oz water throughout the day.

Other Items Ingested: ‘Herbal Supplement’; cigarettes

Exercise: Brisk walking: up and down six flights of stairs 4 times; Walking 1.5 miles; Drumming 30 minutes

Pill taken: 8.50pm

Bed time preparation: “good-night cigarette”; lights out at 10.30pm; Episode of TV series

Estimated Time of Crossover:  Approx. 12.15am

Not bad, all things considered.  I’m not sleeping as reliably or in as much quantity as I’d like, but I’m sleeping for more than 4 hours a night and doing it without booze, so I can’t help but feel heartened with the experiment so far.  True, my pot intake has increased since quitting alcohol (on weeknights) but it doesn’t hurt my domestic life or my homework, or make me late for work, or make me smell like a bum in the morning.  I really could have made that list drag out…

Day 3 – struggling

I took 50 milligrams last night, which definitely felt different.  I suspect in a good way.  If I can remember to call the doc and let him know to up the Rxmg,  I’m willing to give it a shot.  This morning was just as hard to get up as the first two days.   My partner said it looked as though I were trying to crawl out of a tar pit.  Although, the rest of the day was fine.  I was grouchy before lunch, but lunch and leaving early and going to class cheered me right up.

Also, keep in mind I am in alcohol withdrawl.  Once that’s licked it should get easier to establish better routines and a more intimate knowledge of how to time the pill taking.

Brass tax?  Brass tax.

Subject: 29yr old male, 6′2″, 140lbs (although that’s going up since starting)

Prior night’s sleep: 5 3/4 hours; Quality: high? (it was deep, for sure)

Eating schedule: Hasbrowns, broccoli, green peppers and onions at 9am; garlic cheese-bread w/marinara at noon; Boca burger with tomato, avacado, cheddar, mayo and mustard on whole grain at 6.30pm; a few pickles, cheese and refried black beans at 11pm.  Aprrox 48oz water throughout the day.

Other Items Ingested: ‘Herbal Supplement’; cigarettes

Exercise: Brisk walking: negligible walking and stairs; 25-30minutes of drumming

Pill taken: 10.30pm

Bed time preparation: “good-night cigarette”; lights out at 11.30pm, wind-down with online game

Estimated Time of Crossover:  Approx. 1am

Sleep Quality: Fair-High.  It was a deep sleep once I got there, and hard to get out of, but I’m either not dreaming or not remembering, which makes me think I may not be hitting truly restful sleep stages.  I also may need more than a 6 1/2 hour window for sleeping.  But it’s so burrering hard.  I was telling my partner earlier that the real problem is that I am just acting like an eight year old about bedtime.

Realizing it somehow aids me not.

Day 2.2 – I’ll stop the .2 tomorrow

Not such a bad “hangover” today.  I was groggy and out of it, but that could well be the late bed time last nightt.  Having a bit too much fun for a full time fraud investigator gone academic.  The two best stress relievers (weed, alcohol) are also the two best fun motivators.  I want to do all things playful when getting ‘crunk’ as it were.  I want to race ATVs on the big screen while dictating Settler’s of Catan strategem to my board-game-paige; with a plate of nachos and good music on.  And all in my pajamas.

I don’t really own pajamas, but, if you can’t envision this sort of thing, we’re not meant to associate.  Fuzzy onesies.  Blankets everywhere.  And nachos.  What the fuck.

All marvelous tangents aside, I am actually going to really and truthfully take the pill tonight at a reasonable hour in the genuine hopes of falling asleep.  Other nights, I have admittedly sabotaged myself.  I am still, very seriously, considering upping to 50mg, possibly before consulting the Doc (gasp).  The reasoning for this is simple: nearly all severe side effects are experienced by patients taking Trazodone for depression, not as a sleep aide.  As a sleep aide, the dosage is so low that you peak blood levels 3-6 hours after taking it, fall asleep (hopefully), and then reach very low blood-levels by lunch time.  It’s not enough to be harmful when taken once at night.

I’ve researched the bujeezes out of this drug.  Brass Tax!

Subject: 29yr old male, 6′2″, 140lbs

Prior night’s sleep: 5 1/2 hours, approx.

Eating schedule: Panko-fried cod fillet on wheat bun with lettuce, tomato and mayo at noon; energy drink (the orange full throttle? whatever it was, it was nasty) in the early afternoon, a bit of coffee throughout, then a delicious dish my partner made for when I got home from class of yellow and green peppers, turkey sausage, chik’n, tomatoes and carrots.

Other Items Ingested: ‘Herbal Supplement’; cigarettes; red wine (4 glasses, teehee).

Exercise: Brisk walking: 2.0 miles (way home); 8 flights of stairs up and down 5 times (school)

Pill taken: 11pm approx.

Bed time preparation: “good-night cigarette”; lights out at 12am; episode of TV series

Estimated Time of Crossover:  1-ish? It’s so hard to remember

Sleep Quality: Fair – High.  I felt like I was getting really close to feeling rested this morning, though getting up was PAINFUL (physically) and I could tell that I needed another couple hours of quality snoozing.

So, that’s that.  Ultimately, besides the initial grogginess and the lingering tiredness throughout work and classes, I stayed alert and remained high-functioning until getting home shortly before ten.   I also have more energy than I am used to in a generic sense.  Now I have to go critique some classmates’ works of fiction.

Day… 1 again?

Not sure what to call today, since I skipped a week for vacation.  Didn’t need to take sleeping pills since it didn’t matter what time I woke up most days.  Anyhow, for the purposes of this blog I suppose it’s back to square one:

 

Subject: 29yr old male, 6′2″, 140lbs

Prior night’s sleep: 8+ hours, awake at 1pm

Eating schedule: 2 cups of coffee to wake up; vegetable breakfast with Eggs, hashbrowns, broccoli, onion, tomato and green pepper plus wheat toast; pizza for dinner and some 3.2% alc-by-vol beer (4 cans?).

Other Items Ingested: ‘Herbal Supplement’; cigarettes

Exercise: negligible walking/stairs

Pill taken: 12:08am

Bed time preparation: “good-night cigarette”; lights out at 12:20am; episode of TV series

Estimated Time of Crossover:  2:30am

Sleep Quality: Fair – High.  I did wake up with some back pain and major grogginess again, but I know I slept deeper than normal and really felt the drug kicking in this time. 

 

I did take an mg or two extra last night via trying to cut the pills in half and having them not cut too evenly.  I may ask the doc about upping the dosage to 50mg, as the 25 seems to be possibly too weak for me.  Tonight I plan to take the pill as soon as I am home from school.  I’m willing to let the 25mg have a fair chance and allow it more time in my system before lying down for the night. 

Until tomorrow.

Days 6 and 7 – vacation is nice

So, I have basically decided that vacation is too nice to have a rigid sleep schedule.  Without the pressure of work I have a hard time forcing myself to bed.  Although I have been sleeping poorly, I have also been getting lots of rest via sleeping in and watching movies in bed in our “fort” which is what our computer room has turned into since it has A/C.  So now I spend a lot of time getting my monies worth out of this machine and enjoying Netflix instant movies online and playing lots of games.

I’ll pick right up where I left off on Sunday if not earlier.

Day 5 – skipped again

It had been such a relaxing and fun weekend so far, so I skipped again last night.  I’m not sure that this will cause any problems, I still, with the exception of Friday night, have not been drinking and I like it.  Waking up without the need to either drink more or go back to bed is nice.

I do plan to take it tonight, however, as tomorrow is a big day and there is much to sleep for.

Day 4 – A total failure

Turns out, the need to party overwhelmed the need to take Trazodone last night.  Even though it doesn’t seem to knock me out like people said it would, I didn’t want to risk falling asleep on my porch, although, it would appear all attendees of last night’s party got beyond trashed.  The wine all over our back stairwell seems to agree, and the mystery bruises on my arms.  I didn’t take the pill at all yesterday, but I will tonight.  I’ve read it’s no good to go off and on, and I didn’t mean to, it just happenned.

Anyhow, I’m off to watch movies online and snuggle.  I haven’t noticed any bad side effects of not taking it (likely due to only having three days worth in my system).  Enjoy your weekend, I’m enjoying mine.  :)

Day 3 – hmph

So far I feel like I have slept better, yet not necessarily more.  I am starting to question 25mg for my body height/weight, though I am nervous about going any higher after yesterday.  I finally caught the “crazies” and found myself having a very difficult day yesterday.  Anything that would have only mildly irritated me garnered a reaction ten-fold of my normal wrath or despair.  I already hate living within the confines of dumbed-down society, so having that emotionally amplified while simultaneously feeling, quite literally, out of control, was a bad thing.  Hopefully this is another side effect that goes away when my system accepts the presence of the drug, like these ‘hangovers’.  My Trazodone hangovers can be so convincing that I actually wondered as the bus approached me this morning if I hadn’t gotten up last night and walked in my sleep to the bar and taken whiskey shots. 

Regardless, I’m gonna give this a fair shake.  For anyone tracking, I had intended yesterday not to have a big dinner or imbibe in ‘herbal supplement’.  Failed on both counts.  Not only did I imbibe (half of necessity to cure my HORRIBLE mood) but I also followed that up with the last of the birthday cake leftovers   Dumb.  While I’m really not even sure that eating before or after is even problematic, I feel that I had better success the prior night when I ate well before taking the pill. 

Another pain I discovered was that some pills don’t want to be cut in half.  I’m sorry, but if you’re anything like me and you’ve been prescribed 25mg of a 50mg pill, you want as close to that 25mg as you can get to be sure that you are really observing your side effects and successes or failures accurately.  They really need to make a 25mg pill to spare us this hassle.  I’ll have to refill early after mangling two of the pills beyond use trying to cut them in half (yes the blade was sharp). 

Oh well, not everything can go smoothly.  And what did I expect?  Drugs have never shamed nature in their ability to heal our bodies.

Brass tax:

 

Subject: 29yr old male, 6′2″, 140lbs

Prior night’s sleep: 6hrs 45min, awake at 6:45am

Eating schedule: Coffee throughout am; bagel w/ cream cheese at 9am; carrots, cauliflower and rice at noon; Chicken sandwich at 5pm, turkey sandwich at 6:30pm; slice of cake at 9:30; Water throughout the day, approx. 60-64oz.

Other Items Ingested: ‘Herbal Supplement’; cigarettes

Exercise: Walking 2.5mi; Drumming 15min

Pill taken: 9pm

Bed time preparation: “good-night cigarette”; lights out at 10pm; episode of TV series

Estimated Time of Crossover:  1-1:30am (this is only a guess, I was purposely not looking at the time so I wouldn’t get up, it could have been a little earlier than that, but I did lie awake for quite some time.)

Sleep Quality: poor – fair

 

All in all I feel unrested this morning.  Was the cake a mistake?  I’ll try to research sugar consumption and sleep.  I imagine it being bad in kids, though, as an adult I have never had a desert-to-sleep problematic correlation, so I just don’t know what went wrong last night.  I have yet to be successfully ‘knocked-out’ like other users have reported, and I think it’s the small dosage.  I am wondering if I took 50mg roughly an hour before bed, I wouldn’t just doze right off. 

Fow now, time to get my groggy ass back to work.  I’m pretty sure this blog is an unnaproved use of company time.

Day 2 – A Glimmer of Hope?

I don’t want to be too quick with my optimism, but last night was more successful than day/night 1.  I made some changes to the approach as follows: I took the pill a little earlier (9:15pm) on an emptier stomach and increased hydration over the prior day.  I did still experience minor dry-mouth (though, who’s to say what from, really) and some muscle stiffness, but nothing major.  Also, I have yet to experience any drop in libido, though I have to admit that I have been nervous about pre-bedtime coitus causing me to wake up too much to get back to bed right away, much to the chagrin of my partner.  Now the details:

 

Subject: 29yr old male, 6′2″, 140lbs

Prior night’s sleep: approx 5hrs 45min

Eating Schedule: Coffee in AM, Noodles w/Steamed vegetables at noon, A croissant at 4:45pm, a whole pizza at 7pm, Traz at 9:15pm, 1/2 cup peanuts at 10pm, water throughout the day: approx. 60oz

Other Items injested: ‘Herbal supplement’, cigarettes

Exercise: walking – 2.5mi, Drumming – 30min

Pill Taken: 9:15pm

Bed time preparation: Shower, lights out, episode of TV series – shut off around 11:15pm

Estimated Time of Crossover:  Midnight

Sleep Quality: Estimated as Fair-High

 

I remember a few significant ‘tosses’ or ‘turns’ if you will, but I’m not sure if that’s normal anymore since I am used to falling asleep drunk.  It’s possible that I am simply not used to being semi-conscious for those big readjustments over the night.  Ultimately I felt comfortable and rested this morning, and the grogginess was less severe. 

Also, you may have noticed that I managed to nod off somewhere between 1/2 to one full hour earlier.  I don’t know if this is from eating earlier and digesting more before taking the pill, or if it was just me being ready to go to bed.  

Tonight my plan is to abstain from the ‘herbal supplement’ and not eat dinner.  I’m just going to pop the pill at 10pm and lie right down.  I hope to have the proper regimen for my body type and metabolism nailed down by the end of next week.  Also, alcohol abstinence thus far; no sweat.  I would trade the Traz for alcohol any night.  Even though there is grogginess from having slept more soundly than I’m used to, I feel “fresher” all day long and my appetite is coming back fiercely.